I find it ironic that the regular accusation from Rangers-supporting blogs and websites is that there is some carefully orchestrated plan, involving people at the top of the Scottish football authorities, Celtic and the media to use bloggers like me to destroy the Ibrox outfit.
Anyone who writes regularly about “the largest football club insolvency in UK history”, as it is described on the global Duff and Phelps website, in anything less than glowing terms about the former owners of Rangers, and who raises issues about the present owner’s plans or indeed about elements of the support finds themselves tarred with the same brush.
However, the strain has become too much for me, and I must reveal the truth.
I now take you back to an event just over two months ago…
You see, it was always thought that there was no way that the conspiracy was detectable!
I said as much to Peter Lawwell as he asked Stewart Regan to bring more champagne for RTC that Wednesday night in August when Helsingborg was defeated at Parkhead.
“Peter, you’d think that someone would have worked out that, every Wednesday evening, we are all summoned to a secret location where a shadowy figure, known only by the initials DD, hands us our scripts for what to write over the next couple of days”.
I waited whilst Mr Lawwell tipped Regan generously – the finest wine waiter on the north of the Clyde.
He then waved over Neil Doncaster and had him replenish the dish of olives in front of us.
Peter assured me that his friends in Strathclyde Police were regularly briefed to ensure that no one followed any of us to the particular meeting place. Everything was following the plan, created by the late Cardinal Winning many years ago, which had been uncovered by a commenter on one Rangers message board a few months back. As the commenter had posted, he was sure that the demise of Rangers was as a result of a scheme set in motion twenty years ago by the Cardinal Archbishop of Glasgow.
The plan brilliantly had successfully persuaded Rangers under Sir David Murray to make huge borrowings.
How, other than malign influence, could you explain Rangers paying £12 million for Tore Andre Flo?
How else could the Murray Group have been persuaded to borrow hundreds of millions of pounds, to the point where it could no longer maintain the football team?
How else had Lloyds Bank been persuaded to take over Halifax/Bank of Scotland, thus leading to the Bank calling in its security?
Then the agents of the plan had succeeded in bungling (or was it sabotage) the operation of a perfectly fair and legal tax reduction scheme. This showed clearly that the whole mess was not in any way the result of mis-management in the boardroom, but instead a conspiracy of like-minded individuals to defeat the greatest football team in the history of the universe.
This could only be done in the only way the jealous opponents of Rangers knew – by forcing them, against their will, to spend vast sums of money which ultimately could not be afforded. This became a real problem especially once the global financial crisis, clearly the result of work by the Vatican Bank, had taken hold.
Then in the coup de grace, Craig Whyte had appeared with instructions to do whatever it took to contrive an excuse for HMRC to put Rangers into administration. Indeed HMRC (whose loyalties are exposed by the second half of the abbreviation) deliberately suckered Rangers by allowing Mr Whyte to run up so much tax debt that there was no way for Rangers to survive. Notably they refused to give any other team the same leeway, sending winding up petitions to Hearts as soon as their payments were one day overdue.
“But, Peter, it is clear that His Eminence then and DD now have miscalculated, isn’t it?” asked Agent CQN. “After all, Rangers have recovered debt free, and now are heading for the most successful share issue in football history, with investors making 100% profits on their investments immediately!”
Peter Lawwell said to all of us gathered there:-
“Don’t worry. The reason why I gathered all two hundred and six of you here is to make it clear that the plan is still proceeding. The whole team involved in co-ordinating the plan is working hard to ensure that everyone sticks to the script.
“We have teams of researchers working around the clock, looking for secret information. I can reveal that their best source goes by the codename ‘Mr Google’. Well, actually because it is Google, but do not tell anyone.
“The effort involved in co-ordinating all of the bloggers, message board posters and Twitter users in the plan is immense, and I will tell you how we do it in a minute. The brilliance of the Cardinal’s plan was that he foresaw the emergence of the internet, chat rooms, message boards and Twitter as the means of disseminating the misinformation needed to carry the plan to fruition.
“I was there,” added Peter, “When the Cardinal met with Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg, and told them how, years later, to set up Twitter and Facebook. They knew that they had to wait until the time was right. How else can you explain how these methods of passing on information leapt fully formed from the page?
“When the Social Network film came out, we feared that the role of the Archdiocese of Glasgow in setting these information portals up might be revealed, but our Hollywood contacts ensured they were kept secret.
“In fact we need to thank our technical expert who laid the groundwork for this end of the scheme. We all owe a huge debt of gratitude to the man who invented the World Wide Web – Sir Tim Berners-Lee. I think his first name makes clear where his allegiances lie.
“To keep matters co-ordinated, our good friends at HMRC allow us to use spare capacity in their super-computers. That means we can keep all of the output on track.
“Of course that also gives us access to every piece of HMRC information in the country, which has been of immense value to us. People wonder how secret information comes to us – well, put it this way – when our Agent known only by the code-name ‘George O’ told us that he had access to this data from his secret location in 11 Downing Street, we were delighted.
“One of the hardest parts of the project was keeping all of our ‘Men in Black’ as we call them onside with the plan. The whistlers were at all times desperate to make decisions in our favour, but we emphasised over and over again that we needed them to do quite the opposite. We set them a target of ensuring that not less than 90% of marginal decisions went in Rangers’ favour. I am happy to say that they all met, or surpassed, their goals, and somehow Agent Dallas managed to contrive to achieve over 100% in that category!
“And now, as we near the final phase, we have activated our ‘sleepers’. Mark Daly, Alex Thomson and Stuart Cosgrove, along with Graham Spiers, have spent years making their ways into positions of power and prominence in the media. That is all so that they could unleash their propaganda against the designated target when the time was right.
“Who would believe that an award winning journalist, praised for his reports from war zones from the UK and round the world, would actually be a die hard Celtic man, his secret only disclosed by the tattoo of the Lisbon Lions which takes up his face and has to be covered in layers of make up every time he appears on TV?
“Who would think that the award winning BBC reporter, who had the courage and skill to go underground in the police to expose wrongdoing there was actually raised, trained and indoctrinated from his primary school days with the goal of damaging Rangers? The chemicals mixed with the incense used in his chapel ensured his loyalty to the plan.
“Who would have thought that the world’s most prominent St Johnstone fan (indeed the world’s only prominent St Johnstone fan) had carefully constructed this persona by standing for years on the terraces of a windswept Muirton Park, when in fact his footballing love was always to the West?
“And one of the best Scottish sports writers of his generation – who professed his childhood affection for Rangers…and the man who worked out that the succulent lamb was doped to ensure that those who ate it responded to the auto-suggestions being implanted in the writers’, brains, broadcast from the roof of the Broomloan Road stand…
“Graham had to pretend to be vegetarian every time he dined at Murray Towers, so as to avoid becoming a tool in the hands of the psy-ops outfit against whom we have been struggling for years… We knew there had to be an explanation for the way that the MSM stuck to the party line, and it was a chemically induced one. Well done agent GS, or “The Monsignor” as we know him in the organisation…”
He outlined some more of the team whose lifetime’s work was coming to fruition, but to avoid total shock I will not reveal all the names. Suffice it to say that there are a number of double agents, primed and ready to derail the recovery, should it make it through the share issue.
And having an agent reach the highest level of Government, when no one suspected his allegiances, was key to the plan. After all no one would expect a “Hearts fan” of actually wearing a signed Henrik Larsson jersey under his suit every time he appeared to answer First Minister’s Questions!
Peter announced that he had, through the influence of the respective Papal Nuncios, organised for Celtic to play in the same group as Barcelona, and for the Catalans to lose at Parkhead. This was the only way DD saw of saving Scottish football, which otherwise would die because Rangers were in SFL3.
At that moment, the big screens in the room suddenly lit up.
A voice boomed from the speakers – it was electronically distorted so that we could not determine who it was.
“I speak to you from my secret headquarters somewhere in Donegal,” it said.
“You have all done fine work, but I must call upon you to re-double your efforts. I will unleash my final campaign through my loyal lieutenant DD shortly.
“Comrade Romanov has been briefed to create a diversion when the time is right regarding the future of his Hearts.
“We have also ensured that Agent Levein will provide a distraction too as we enter November.
“And I want to introduce to you, under the condition of utmost secrecy, the final key to the plan for the Downfall written on parchment in a small room in St Andrew’s Cathedral all those years ago.”
At that the room lights dimmed…a door opened in the wall where we did not know there was a door…and a smart figure walked out into a newly lit spotlight, at first shrouded in smoke from dry ice.
At that the voice from the speakers spoke again.
“Here is our ultimate weapon – the undercover agent par excellence – he goes by the name of Carlo Verde….
“Or should I say, Charles Green…”
The mist cleared. The room erupted. The plan was brilliant and we knew it would work!
Posted by Paul McConville (as I prepare to flee having revealed the secret)