I love words like “unwound” and “unknotted” and so on.
So let me simplfy this just a wee bitty.
Craig Whyte stands tonight as a secured Creditor for say £23Million– that’s the £18M Paid to Lloyds and another £5M for the sake of the buggeration factor.
Now let’s say– and it is eminently possible given his track record,– that he has made a cod of the security. So presume for a moment he says, OK, I am not secured.
But I am still owed £23Million cause I paid off Lloyds.
“Oh No you didn’t” says AJ–” you never invested a penny.”
“Oh Yes I did” says Craigie Baby—” I just punted a few seats after I got hold of Rangers, and I personally secured that sale to Ticketus.”
“I might have set it up before I secured Rangers, but I only drew down the money after I had control of Rangers– albeit within a few seconds— but the seats were mine to sell– just the same as they were yours to sell when you were in charge AJ.”
“Too damn righty ( we think ) says Ticketus! WE bought those seats from Whitey here— or if we didn’t then we bought them from someone, and at the end of the day our money paid off your debt AJ. So either you owe the money to Whitey or you owe it to us. Of course if you let us sell the tickets then you don’t owe us squat.— Do you get that? Squat?Seats? ah well”
“AH but we can’t afford to let you sell the tickets because we will go bust” screams AJ
” Right enough” says ticketus ” so we will just sell tickets to see whoever is playing at Ibrox anyway.” says Ticketus
“Eh, you might not be able to do that” says Duffus and Fuddus ( might copywright that one actually )
“Why?” says Ticketus and Whytey together
” Because, if Rangers are Liquidated and Whytey accepts he is not secured, then we might sell Ibrox to someone else in a new Company!”
“Well Secured or unsecured, I am still owed £25Million” says Whytey— “give me 40p in the pound and I will feck off to Costa Rica”
“Your arse and Parsely” shout everyone else.
Whytey rolls both eyes in different directions and mutters something in what appears to be Swahili!
“If you give him any money, then he has to pay it to me” say Ticketus ” In fact we might bankrupt him anyway cause we have a personal guarantee!”
” Not from me!” says Whytey
“What?” say Ticketus
” You don’t have a personal guarantee from me” Whytey replied
“Here it is here” say Ticketus
” Not mine” says Whytey ” Wrong name and date of birth and everything– look check my Passport!” Whytey reveals that he is a citizen of Liberia!!
Ticketus is stunned.
“Anyway ” says Whytey ” Not only do I have a claim- secured or unsecured– on the stadium and Murray park– I also own several players!”
“What?????” says Fuddus and Duffus
” I own several players” says Whytey “They are contracted to me, and so when they are sold on I get the dough– and not you!”
“Well why did we pay their wages then? say Fud & Duff
” Because, you are Fud and Duff” says Whytey ” WE knew that you would make a Cod of it, so we can claim your PI Insurance so as to get some money in the kitty– didn’t we Hector?”
A small man– a smiley man not unlike THE George Smiley man says ” Yes, I’m afraid that is true. You were appointed because of your reputation for incompetence and because you have a nice big shiney insurance policy that we can sink our teeth into” says Hector.
” But what have we ever done to you to desrve this?” say Fuddus and Duffus
” Nothing at all” Replied Hector/George with a gentle voice and a far away stare ” But you are insured with Lloyds are you not? And they deserve a right kick in the Nakas– if you pardon such Vulgarity. I am looking forward to claiming a few quid off them!”
AJ guffaws at this
” Mind you” says George/Hector ” That will not stop me from Liquidating the company when the big tax case comes in anyway– and after that I am suing all of the Directors for wrongful trading anyway– regrettably that includes you Alastair so I would save your mirth with respect!”
“Are you going to let him het away with this?” Shout Alastiar, Whytey and Ticketus altogether looking at Fuddus and Duffus.
” Perhaps I can help?” says a voice from the back of the room
” And you are?” enquires George/Hector
” I am Dave King!”
” Are you now?” Hector/George looks at Dave and says ” Yes, you can help enormously! Go and get us all a nice cup of tea and some buscuits… and try just for once not to get into any trouble whilst doing that.. eh?”
Dave looks crestfallen and leaves the room.
” Now ” says George ” The way I see it, is that secured or unsecured, on Paper Whytey is owed £25Million.. yes?”
There is a general nod– apart from AJ who has vowed never to nod again.
“Good. And I am owed £15Million and rising as we stand today” says Hector/George cleaning his glasses. Again there is a nod– apart from AJ who starts to whistly dixie ever so gently.
“So allowing for nobody else other than me and Whytey— You ( refering to Duffus and Fuddus ) have to come up with at least £38Million… Yes?”
Duffus and Fuddus nod, Whytey shouts ” Gawn Yersel Hector!”, Ticketus say nothing and AJ tries standing on his head just for the sake of it.
” Now, do you have £38Million?”
“No” says Duffus “Maybe” says Fuddus
” Please explain Mr Fuddus”
“Well if we and ticketus were to sell all the tickets over the next 3 years– we could get £38Million”
” Yea but I have already paid for my tickets, and so what ever I sell them for is my business– I have to make a profit!” Yells Ticketus
” So you do, Ticketus– and you will pay the taxes on that profit to me won’t you?” says Hector George
“Of course” says Ticketus
” But you see, i want all of the money” says Smiley ” Not just the taxable bit
” And where Do I come in?” says Whytey
” Oh, you can go and collect the money saved up by the Vanguard Bears and bring it to me”
” Your kiddng? They will kill me!” Screams Whytey
” Precisely” says Hector/George ” You are a Billionaire are you not?”
” Absolutely” says Whytey puffing out his chest ” I have assets all over the world and interests in many many businesses that I do not disclose”
” Absolutely. And so on your demise, you will be good for some inheritance tax– will you not?
” Eh no” says Whytey smugly ” It is all tied up in off shore trusts in tax havens where you cannot get your hands on it”
” And prey do tell who told you that Whytey?”
” Eh.. Sir David Murray…he organised it for me……”
” Do you undertsand why I am here at all Whytey and what lead to all of this? Sir David is a lunatic and so you cannot accept what he says at all Whytey. I am afraid your trust funds are gone”
Whytey starts packing a bag because he is not getting a good vibe!
” Look all I know, is that Sir David said that I could buy Rangers for a quid.. and that it would all go smoothly with a nod and a wink”
” I never Nod” says AJ ” and I don’t wink, and I don’t walk away either… i was in the Boys Brigade”
” Ah the old brigade?” says Duffus wistfully
” Your not allowed to say that in Scotland so shhhhh!”
The door opens and a group of men walk in. One says
” I have an idea, why don’t we unravel this whole thing?”
” Are you Irish? ” asks Hector/George
” English” comes the reply
” You sound Irish”
” I am Irish”
“You just said you were English!”
” I am Irish, but my name is English, and I write for the Scotsman!”
“Which Scotsman? Where is he?”
” The Newspaper!”
” Well this is all very confusing. Where do you pay your taxes?”
” We are not here about my Taxes– we are here about Rangers- the fans have a right to know”
” Ok.. and who are these people?”
” This is Chic Young” says English in an Irish accent
” It’s Chico time” shouts Whytey and then ” Oh.. I am not talking to you! I am only talking to Tom and Jabba”
“Jabba?” asks Hector/George
” He means me” says a fat man at the back ” I am Jim Traynor from the Daily Record”
” And who is the small chap with you?” asks George
” I am with the BBC, my name is Mark Daly ”
” So we have Irish English Scotsman, Jabba Daily Record, Daly BBC and…..?”
” I am Spiersy… I’m freelance!”
” My dear boy, John Inman delivered that line far better, and nobody calls me Lance unless it is in one of those clubs in Edinburgh– you know the ones– down by the Bridges with the late night entry and after I have stopped being Hector for the day! . Nice scarf by the way and I do like the chords. I DO so like a nice trousered gentleman”
The assorted Press just look at one another.
” Are Rangers going bust?” asks Chic
” No” says AJ, Ticketus, Whytey, Duffus and Fuddus
” Yes” says Hector quietly
” But, I have a rescue plan” says Chic to everyone’s astonishment!
” Well let’s hear it then” shouts Whytey
” Look St Mirrin is for sale for £2m. Just buy them and their licence, they are in the SPL, change their name to Rangers 1872 Ltd and Bob’s your Aunty. Sell St Mirrin park for another Tesco or Sainsbury– that will get about £70Million– give it to Hector, Ticketus can then sell the seats, sue Duffus and Fuddus and get a few quid off Lloyds— come on Fuddus and Duffus you guys don’t pay the money anyway, let the bears kill Whytey so Hector gets the inheritence tax–Sorry Whytey but you are a fanny, and seen as we signed Mo Johnstone twenty years ago– sign Messi, Iniesta and Xavi, sell the TV rights to Spain and Argentina and just watch the cash roll in …………. and we will all write it up as if it is the greatest come back since Lazarus. Apart from tell tale Mark.here .. but he won’t say anything because scoop Guidi has the photos of him, Jackie Bird and Shereen Nanjani in the sound recording booth at the BBC night out Last Christmas complete with mini handcuffs on his winkie, which big Jackie always said she would give me back by the way…. oh and I want my season tickets for nothing for the next ten years…!”
There is a stunned silence while evryone ponders this suggestion. Hector/ George starts to nod, as do all the rest with smiles on their faces.. apart from Whytey who is busy trying to figure out how he can fake his own death… something he sees as a challenge.
A small fat man wearing a sweatshirt with the initials AMcC walks into the silent room and stares from one to the other. It is George/Hector who breaks the silence
” Well……… OK……. but we will have to sack this fanny to make sure we get some dough in the door…………………….